MEN: Pro and Con
Some Modest Proposals for a Woman-Friendly
Society
By Lynne
Bronstein
Recently, a friend sent me a
letter which has been making the rounds of the Internet for several years. It
was a list of instructions to women to help them avoid being attacked and
raped.
I’ve seen this list before. In fact,
it was posted on the wall at a place where I used to work. I’ve seen these
instructions once too often. The friend who sent me the list had heard my
stories about harrowing encounters with predatory men. I appreciate those who
want to help but I am getting tired of women always having to shoulder the
burden of defending themselves. Why isn’t there a letter being circulated
to teach men and boys how to not rape
women?
There is hope, however.
Scientists are working on some amazing new technological developments which
could be used to make our world safe for women. These developments are to be
used on men, which should let women breathe a sigh of collective
relief.
Dr. T.F. Barnard of Cal Tech
has created a special microchip which contains a recording device. This chip can
be implanted in a man’s body, preferably in the genital area. If a man is
accused of rape, a simple body scan will play back the recording, providing
virtual proof that the man’s body was used to attack a woman.
An experiment at Stanford has yielded
a new drug, a pill called Testarelax. Originally designed to combat car
sickness, the drug has proven effective in reducing male hormonally induced
aggression. As in the 1973 Gene Rodenberry TV movie and series pilot
“Planet Earth,” American males would be required by law to take one
Testarelax pill a day. “Not only will women be safer from male
aggression,” says Dr. Leslie Clark of Stanford, “But this drug will
certainly have an effect on our foreign policy. I doubt that our President will
feel like waging war under the influence of Testarelax.” Political
commentators will doubtless insist that this proposed program will only really
be effective if the leaders of those hostile nations possessing weapons of mass
destruction can also be persuaded to adopt the
program.
The small Iowa town of Banning
Wells has been trying out a plan that many other American cities may soon adopt-
a curfew for men. “It’s illegal for men to be on the street after
dark in Banning Wells,” says Banning Wells police chief Edgar Loon (his
real name). All night jobs in Banning Wells are held by women. Even Chief Loon
himself has to be home by six p.m. So far, Loon admits that the program has met
with little opposition on Monday nights, when men are content to stay at home
and watch football and crunch on pork
rinds.
“I love the idea of these
programs,” says UCLA sociologist Margaret Dutton. “Just imagine-if
we have men tranquilized, scanned, and corralled by curfews, I will be able to
walk down the street naked at midnight, just like I’ve always wanted
to.”
When asked if the programs
possibly violated men’s right to privacy., Dutton replied,
“We’ve had laws curtailing our right to abortion, and we’ve
all had years of having our private parts invaded by cold speculums. I think
it’s about time the men found out what it feels like to not own their
bodies.”
************
VENICE
MEN
Hmmm VENICE MEN ARE SPECIAL
MEN!
VENICE MEN ARE SPECIAL
WHEN:
THEY START TO PLAY THEIR
MUSIC,
BLAZIN IN THE SUN --THEN -- THEY
PLAY THEY’RE VENICE MEN!
VENICE MEN ARE GOOD AND STRONG!
SOME OF
THEM CAN “DO NO WRONG”!
AND
IF THEY’VE GOT THE RHYTHM,
THEY’VE ALWAYS GOT IT WITH ‘EM.
CAUSE --EVERY VENICE MAN’S -- A
SONG!
I LIKE TO FEEL THE BOARDWALK
BEAT!
I LIKE TO SEE THE SOUL-MEN
SING!
I LIKE TO WATCH THE ROLLER SKATERS --
ROCKIN’ THEIR FEET!
(ESPECIALLY WHEN
THEY’RE DOING THEIR THING)
I LIKE
TO HOLD A BALL PLAYER’S HANDS.
I LIKE
TO WARM A SWIMMER’S TOES.
I LOVE TO SEE
THE MUSCLES.
RIPPLE IN THE SUN
--
AND, ALL THE GUYS IN -- “MUSCLE
CLOTHES”!
Hmmm VENICE MEN ARE
SPECIAL MEN!
VENICE MEN ARE SPECIAL
WHEN:
THEY START TO SHOW THEIR
MUSCLES,
THAT RIPPLE IN THE SUN
--
THEN -- THEY SHOW THEY’RE VENICE
MEN!
VENICE MEN ARE YOUNG AND
OLD!
SOME OF THEM ARE “MADE OF
GOLD”!
AND IF THEY HAVE NO
MUSCLE
YOU KNOW THEY’VE GOT A
“HUSTLE”
AND -- THE GREATEST
STORIES, TOLD!
I LIKE TO CATCH THE
SURFERS’ RIDES.
I LIKE TO HEAR THE
POETS READ.
I LIKE TO WATCH THE BODY BUILDERS
-- TANNING THEIR HIDES --
(I EVEN LIKE TO
WATCH ‘EM FEED)
I LIKE THE GUYS
WITH ‘FAR OUT” ART!
I LIKE THE
GUYS WITH “SWEET GUITARS”!
I LOVE
TO HEAR THE MUSIC,
BLAZING IN THE SUN
--
THEN -- THEY PLAY THEY’RE VENICE
MEN
VENICE MEN ARE GOOD AND
STRONG!
SOME OF THEM “CAN DO NO
WRONG”!
AND IF THEY’VE GOT THE
RHYTHM,
THEY’VE ALWAYS GOT IT WITH
‘EM.
CAUSE -- EVERY VENICE MAN’S
-- A
SONG!
LOVE,
TINA
CATALINA
Posted: Sat
- February 1, 2003 at 08:24 PM