Democrats To Grow Presidential Candidate From Stem Cell

Reeling from the 2004 presidential race, Democratic party leaders take steps to create the perfect “biotech candidate” for 2008. Says one Southern California scientist: “He'll be a formidable individual with conviction — and a real spine!”

By George Wolfe

TOPANGA CANYON – In this sleepy, post-hippy Southern California enclave tucked away in the Santa Monica Mountain Range, one wouldn't expect to find the next presidential candidate. But it's here that a formerly top-secret plan has been hatched to create a super candidate for the 2008 U.S. presidential election.

With stem cell research initiatives passing in the state of California, Democrats saw an opportunity to create a strategic blueprint that will end the current Republican reign.

Post-election polls indicate that the American public was clearly reluctant to support John Kerry on his own merits, except as an alternative to the Bush Administration. At least 51% of respondents judged him to be “somewhat spineless.”

“He'll be a formidable individual
with actual conviction — and a real spine!”
— Scientist, StemDem Research Lab

Southern California registered voter, Lisa Merkowitz, is typical of many voters, “Apart from Howard Dean, the Democrats simply failed to distinguish themselves from the Republicans. They lack firm beliefs. Senator Wellstone [former D-MN] was probably the last one with that kind of conviction, but then he died in that plane crash. Barack Obama [D-IL] seems like he's got the charismatic goods, but he's too young to run for president.” OOGENESIS: The perfect stem cell candidate is hatched in this innocuous pitri dish.

It's precisely sentiments like Merkovitz's that alarmed Democratic party leaders and forced them to act. They approached prominent stem cell researchers with the question: “Can you create the perfect candidate from Paul Wellstone's DNA?”

An anonymous source with ties to the group, StemDem Research Lab, claims they've already grown the candidate's spine, and that it's being kept safe in an underground laboratory.

Evidently, Wellstone's DNA was genetically blended with that of President Harry Truman (for grit and Give-'Em Hell attitude), baseball legend Ted Williams (for physicality and athleticism), Walt Disney (for creative and visionary capabilities), and Martin Luther King, Jr. (for eloquence, integrity and tenacity) to give the candidate well-rounded qualities.

THE LEGACY CONTINUES: Former Sen. Paul Wellstone's DNA was donated to create “Mr. Smith,” code name for the Democrats' top-secret biotech candidate for the 2008 presidential candidacy.

Stem cell research has been a controversial political topic, with the Bush administration lashing out against it. With the creation of a candidate in embryo, it seems Republican resistance to stem cell research was buoyed by knowledge of how swiftly Democrats were moving on the project, dubbed “Mr. Smith” (homage to the movie Mr. Smith Goes to Washington).

But Democrats are not alone in their scientific endeavors. New evidence reveals that Republicans were active with stem cell experiments in the 1990s. They once created a presidential hopeful called “Newt” from former Senator Joe McCarthy's DNA, but serious genetic flaws rendered the candidate insane and underscored the dangerous side effects of fooling around with Mother Nature.

George Wolfe is the editor of The LaLaTimes. See for more humor on the news.

Posted: Wed - December 1, 2004 at 10:53 AM