Democrats To Grow Presidential Candidate From Stem Cell
Reeling from the 2004 presidential
race, Democratic party leaders take steps to create the perfect “biotech
candidate” for 2008. Says one Southern California scientist: “He'll
be a formidable individual with conviction — and a real
spine!”
By George
Wolfe
TOPANGA CANYON – In this sleepy,
post-hippy Southern California enclave tucked away in the Santa Monica Mountain
Range, one wouldn't expect to find the next presidential candidate. But it's
here that a formerly top-secret plan has been hatched to create a super
candidate for the 2008 U.S. presidential election.
With stem cell research initiatives
passing in the state of California, Democrats saw an opportunity to create a
strategic blueprint that will end the current Republican
reign.
Post-election polls indicate
that the American public was clearly reluctant to support John Kerry on his own
merits, except as an alternative to the Bush Administration. At least 51% of
respondents judged him to be “somewhat spineless.”
“He'll be a formidable
individual
with actual conviction —
and a real spine!”
— Scientist,
StemDem Research Lab
Southern
California registered voter, Lisa Merkowitz, is typical of many voters,
“Apart from Howard Dean, the Democrats simply failed to distinguish
themselves from the Republicans. They lack firm beliefs. Senator Wellstone
[former D-MN] was probably the last one with that kind of conviction, but then
he died in that plane crash. Barack Obama [D-IL] seems like he's got the
charismatic goods, but he's too young to run for president.” OOGENESIS:
The perfect stem cell candidate is hatched in this innocuous pitri
dish.
It's precisely sentiments like
Merkovitz's that alarmed Democratic party leaders and forced them to act. They
approached prominent stem cell researchers with the question: “Can you
create the perfect candidate from Paul Wellstone's
DNA?”
An anonymous source with
ties to the group, StemDem Research Lab, claims they've already grown the
candidate's spine, and that it's being kept safe in an underground
laboratory.
Evidently, Wellstone's DNA
was genetically blended with that of President Harry Truman (for grit and
Give-'Em Hell attitude), baseball legend Ted Williams (for physicality and
athleticism), Walt Disney (for creative and visionary capabilities), and Martin
Luther King, Jr. (for eloquence, integrity and tenacity) to give the candidate
well-rounded qualities.
THE LEGACY
CONTINUES: Former Sen. Paul Wellstone's DNA was donated to create “Mr.
Smith,” code name for the Democrats' top-secret biotech candidate for the
2008 presidential candidacy.
Stem cell
research has been a controversial political topic, with the Bush administration
lashing out against it. With the creation of a candidate in embryo, it seems
Republican resistance to stem cell research was buoyed by knowledge of how
swiftly Democrats were moving on the project, dubbed “Mr. Smith”
(homage to the movie Mr. Smith Goes to
Washington).
But Democrats are not
alone in their scientific endeavors. New evidence reveals that Republicans were
active with stem cell experiments in the 1990s. They once created a presidential
hopeful called “Newt” from former Senator Joe McCarthy's DNA, but
serious genetic flaws rendered the candidate insane and underscored the
dangerous side effects of fooling around with Mother
Nature.
George Wolfe is the
editor of The LaLaTimes.
See
www.lalatimes.com for more
humor on the news.
Posted: Wed - December
1, 2004 at 10:53 AM