April 1st Page: Wal-Mart Acquires California in Hostile Takeover
By George
Wolfe
SACRAMENTO — Wal-Mart, the
world’s largest company, is now the proud owner of the most populous state
in the U.S.— and the world’s sixth-largest economy. Management at
the Arkansas-based company acknowledge that it successfully completed a hostile
takeover of California, which the company says will be renamed
Cal-Mart.
“We were fixin’ to just open up
a whole slew o’ them superstores,” said spokesman Rita Wrenshall,
“but the state and its government were just so darn inefficient that we
couldn’t pass up such a golden... er, state... opportunity. Sure, there
were a few nay-sayers, but all in all the negotiations went pretty
smoothly.”
Governor
Schwarzenegger was offered a position as a regional
manager.
“Actually, we’re
quite fond of Schwarzenegger’s lean managerial approach, which is why we
made him this job offer,” said Wrenshall. “It’s just that we
know from our own track record that, as a corporation, we can do even
better.”
Company officials
acknowledged that Schwarzenegger’s new job would pay $9.39/hour, slightly
more than the barest of wages offered to most Wal-Mart
employees.
Appearing on the steps of
the state capitol, Schwarzenegger stood by a teary-eyed Maria Shriver as he
issued the following statement: “My fellow Californians… today I
stand before you as a happy member of the Wal-Mart Corporation. I cleaned up
state government as best I could, but I’m only human. Now, it’s the
era of Wal-Mart — the ultimate terminator. I fought hard, but was defeated
by their finely tuned machinery. Wal-Mart Republic über alles!…
über alles!!… über
alles!!!…”
Schwarzenegger’s
eyes turned red and he emitted a puff of smoke before spontaneously
combusting.
Wal-Mart management declined to
speak about the incident, nor would it confirm allegations that it was next
considering a takeover of China, the world’s seventh-largest economy.
Instead, it issued the following press release: “China?! That’s
totally preposterous! That’d be a step down. Now Japan —
that’s a different story!”
–LaLaTimes
<www.lalatimes.com>
Posted: Sat
- April 1, 2006 at 08:30 AM