April 1st Page; BIZARRO VENICE NEWS
By Chas. Keating. News from an alternate reality.
Playa Vista Corporation apologizes for Playa Vista Development. In a campaign clearly designed to alleviate the apoplexy their brand produces in the Venice community,
PVC hired Mike David, noted for his searing critiques of LA architecture, to verbally abuse PVC executives and their horrendous development in a series of house meetings. “We want to reach out to the entire community to say we’re sorry for the increased gridlock, pollution, depression, and generally bad architecture we have caused,” announced PVC spokesmodel Sis Buchanan, “...and we have free gifts for everyone.” Also enthusiastically self-effacing was Alden Greene, who recieved major funding for his all Venice festival. PVC also announced that they have started hosting Realtors Anonymous meetings at their headquarters.
Councilman Bill Rosendoll embeds charity advertising on his million dollar smile.
Local Artist proposes camels statues for locations around Venice. Interest perked up when an opponent called them fucking camels, However now others are opposed to the fucking fucking camels. Sparc Muralist Judy Baca has proposed burros as being more historically accurate, kid friendly, and my are they are cute.
Statue of Karl Marx proposed for the Venice Circle. Venice Artist Marv Grayson’s nice wooden statue of Karl Marx would make an excellent replacement for the dismembered torso proposed that other group of idiots wouldn’t it? If right wing radio got hold of it we could be holding counter-counter demonstrations every day and doing a brisk business in bumperstickers and t-shirts. Venice - Got Communist?
Venezualan President Hugo Chavez will headline a rally in April at Penmar Park calling for the secession of California from the United States of America due to the unconstitutional and terrorist acts of the President and Congress.
Jane Harman spoke at the opening of the new security checkpoints on Venice Beach. “The safety and security of Venice against potential terrorists has to be our first priority!” she shouted to enthusiastic applause. Police Captain Richard Firebush demonstrated the latest in facial recognition software quickly running up credit checks on everyone in camera range and flagging a few celebrities and sex offenders. Undercover cops then spotted a few potential terrorists and took them away for questioning.
Michelle Bachelet - President of Chile, spoke at the International Women’s Day Rally at Lincoln Place Park on March 8th, at the dedication of the beautiful new mural plaza, featuring works by Francisco Letelier, Judy Baca, and many others.
Lincoln Boulevard Hookers linked to police. When brought before the Public Safety Committee of the Neighborhood council , John Buyer demanded an investigation into the hookers stakelokder status. The committee rejected the request on a technality. My Buyer promised he would personally investigate the situation.
Homeland Security reports major drug activity in Venice. Yet Venice ranks only 270th in the per capita zip coded drug trafficking statistics released today. The pilot surveillance program uses sophisticated voice recognition software to identify suspicious activity thru complete monitoring of all communications and financial systems.
Area Man has own crash on the way to see movie “Crash”. Venice Resident Jeff Lebowski reported a traffic altercation due to the road rage action of some asshole. He suffered a small dent on the driver’s side quarter panel, and was called a low life stoner gringo honky American by the other party, after Jeff blockaded the street with his vehicle. The other party was of undetermined nationality.
David Ducannon was seen desperately toadying up with Playa Vista Foundation board members. “He knows where the money is.” commented one wag.
A group of angry jerks showed up at the GRVNC meeting proposing bylaw changes which would prevent stakeholders designated as potentially progressive from voting. After a lot of hand waving and misinformed discussion many felt it was a complete waste of time,
Westside Realtors house homeless.
BJ Cold has united Westside Realtors to house homeless, provide nomadic parking zones, and preserve affordable housing and hold rents down. Her conversion caps a week of realtor epiphanies.
Local Activists propose vagina cove for Venice Beach. The sculptural stonework includes oceanic dynamics to control sand dispersion, and activate a geyser after a particularly strong set of waves.
Posted: Sat - April 1, 2006 at 10:27 AM