A Venice Christmas Carol


                                                    by
                                    Charles Dickens  and Jack Neworth
                                     Dec. 1853                 Dec.   2006

          Few  knew  Caldwell B. Screwge, Venice's biggest  landlord, was the great-great-great-grandson of Ebeneezer Scrooge, though if one looked closely you could see the resemblance.  Caldwell owned a real estate office on Lincoln which endeavoured  in foreclosures.  Even though the fates of finance had smiled so radiantly upon him, Screwge's icy personality never thawed.  (Unless one of his rent controlled apartments became vacant and went to fair market price.)  So it was not surprising when he was invited by his nephew for Christmas dinner, Screwge barked, "Bah humbug, who needs the cholesterol."  

    Let any man explain how that night Screwge, having his key in the security alarm of his tri-level  in the canals, saw not the alarm, but the face of his deceased partner, Marley whom Screwge had  "screwged" many times.  "Hey, Marley, buddy boy!"  Screwge said nervously.  " It must have been a mistake in escrow.  I'll have the girl  Fedex you a new check?"  The Ghost responded solemnly,  "Tomorrow you will be haunted by a Spirit when the bell tolls one." "My clocks don't toll", Screwge stammered, "they're digital."  But alas, the Ghost was gone.      
 
     At one the following afternoon Screwge was pacing in  front of his flat screen hi-def.  The Cowboys weren't covering the spread and  Screwge blamed it on Tony Romo's dating Jessica Simpson.  The Ghost of Christmas Past appeared and suddenly the tv went off.  "Hey, it's the 4th quarter!"  Screwge complained.  But the Ghost didn't respond for in a blink of an eye the two were in  the neighborhood of Screwge's childhood off Abott-Kinney.  But instead of it being 2006 it was 1949.  At first it was nostalgic.  But then a melancholy came over Screwge when he saw For Sale signs on quaint cottages that would become million dollar properties.  "If only I had bought the whole damn block" he muttered ruefully.      
 
     Later than night Screwge was watching the Money Channel when the tv  suddenly turned off  by  the Ghost of Christmas Present with a mere snap of his fingers.  "What's the big idea?"  Screwge barked.  But again he got no answer as the two were whisked silently inside one of Screwge's rent controlled apartments in Oakwood.  It was, the home of clerk Bob Ratchet.  Despite a leaky roof, and broken windows, the family was gathered around the festive dinner table.  When talk turned to Screwge, Tiny Slim,  the lead rapper in "Maimed Mayhem,"glanced at the roof.  "Word, I oughta whack that dawg upside his head with my crutch."  But Ratchet said, "On Christmas we wish well to all in this world, even Screwge."  And toast they did, but only after Tiny called Bob a Tom.      
 
     At dawn.  On Christmas morning  Screwge arose from slumber to see the third Spirit who was shrouded in a black garment and was himself black.  "My wallet's on the dresser, just don't hurt me,"  Screwged said trembling.  "You stereoptypin' fool, I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future,  I ain't here to jack you."  Suddenly Screwge found himself at Woodlawn Cemetery on 14th & Pico in Santa Monica.  He was horrified to see the half crumbled marker of Caldwell B. Screwge with the epitaph,, "What good does his money do him now?" 
 
     Screwge pleaded with the Ghost, "Is there any wiggle room in all of this?  Hey, I've got a condo in the Marina I snapped up in foreclosure.  How's about I give you a quit claim?!"  To the foreboding silence Screwge began to shake.  "All right I will honor Christmas in my heart.  I'll stand in lines at the mall, I'll go  to boring parties and make pointless chit-chat, , but please assure me I yet may change these shadows."  But the Ghost was gone and Screwge was back in his bed, a changed man.   
 
     And it came to pass that Screwge did all he promised  and more.  To Tiny Slim and "Maimed Mayhem" he became a second father, and tour promoter, but managed to take 15% off the top.  To Ratchet, Screwge became the model employer giving him a raise to a nickel above minimum wage.  And he finally fixed the leaky roof and broken windows and didn't raise the rent,, though the thought crossed his mind.  And to his Venice neighbors, Screwge stopped being a greedy, douchebag and was nice to everyone, which at times was a bit nauseating.  Finally, it was said of Screwge by one and all, that he knew how to keep Christmas well.  And he didn't do a bad job with Chanukah either. 

Posted: Fri - December 1, 2006 at 08:15 AM          

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